Dear Match.com guy....

Friends, I know I'm a terrible blogger. But, I absolutely have to get something off of my chest and well, since I only have like 2 followers anyways it won't be too rude I guess for me to do it here lol. This post is something I'd like to call "Dear Match.com guy..."

Dear Match.com guy.....

• I set the top of my age range at 38 for a reason. If you are over 38 and definitely old enough to be my dad..don't message me. I promise, you won't be the 60 yr old that changes my mind about that being creepy. 
• I put detail into my profile to show what I'm looking for so if you answered "i'll tell you later" to more than one, maybe two of your questions then no, you won't tell me later b/c you're just vague enough to make me think you must have a lot to hide...which won't include my body should you turn out to be a serial killer since you've given me no evidence to prove the contrary.
• Posting a photo of yourself is critical. I won't be responding to anyone without a photo because if I can be brave enough to show you what I look like you better be too. If you do post a picture consider the following:
• posting 10 photos of yourself wearing a hat and sunglasses from 100 ft away doesn't count.
• posting a photo that you took of yourself, in the bathroom with your shirt off is not sexy. It's kinda awkward that you're holding your cellphone in front of the mirror trying to get a pic of yourself. If you must post a pic like this, ask a friend to help.
• posting any kind of photo of yourself that you're taking in the mirror with your cellphone is not advisable. No one is attractive next to a toilet. Trust me on this one.
• posting photos with girls in your photo is sketchy. Are these your dates? Are you actually a pimp? Is this your ex and you just didn't know how to crop her out? it's confusing. Please don't do it.
• photos of yourself where you aren't smiling and you look angry are scary. 
• if you are older than 18, 19...then don't post your high school graduation photo. Most girls can do the math. You're 50 but clearly are in the generic high school tux. We don't believe you still look like that. 
• don't only post photos of you and 10 friends...we have no idea which one you are and if you do put the caption that tells us that you're the 3rd from the left, just make sure the first 2 from the left aren't better looking than you are because otherwise we will think "oh....wonder if THAT guy is single?" i know it's shallow, but we're looking at photos on a dating site..this is feels a little like online shopping and we can't help but think this. I guarantee you won't find a woman posting a photo of herself next to her much thinner, younger, attractive friends. It just won't happen.
• Photos that are GREAT! - Pics with your dog, grandma, mom - all show you have a sensitive side. Pics doing something fun, volunteering, just by yourself acting natural not doing anything awkward are all +++! This isn't that hard, I promise. But, a girl can't "unsee" that suspicious photo that waves a red flag.
• Usernames are also important. If yours says  "richandsmooth," "itsmrbubbles" "luvmycat" "bigmarklips" "daddyick" you get the idea. All of these are actual usernames except one. seriously.
• Don't start off by saying "i never thought i'd be on a dating website..." or "this isn't my ideal way to meet someone.." everyone says this and we're all on here so we all have accepted that we're trying. 
• If you message me, don't say "hey want to go out tonight and have some fun?" because if that is what i was looking for i wouldn't take the time to answer the 1,000 questions on here and pay the fee. I'd be out tonight...having some fun aka hooking up with someone else.
• In your "about me" don't say that you're looking for a girl that doesn't lie all the time and then cheat on you, someone who won't treat you bad and then steal your stuff, anything like this that shows that some other girl has broke your heart and you're not over that yet so you're going to be sure to let everyone know that's not what you're looking for in the future.
• DON'T TYPE IN ALL CAPS. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE YELLING. YOU'RE ON AN ONLINE DATING WEBSITE, UPLOADING PHOTOS, ETC SO SURELY YOU KNOW HOW TO TAKE THE CAPS LOCK OFF. PLEASE DO SO IMMEDIATELY.
• Spell check! trust me on this your going to make a better imprsion if you spel you're words write and take the time too spel cheek before you hit save.

Ok I think I will stop here.  I know that this is a two way street and i'm SURE that there are lots of things girls do on their profiles that irritate the opposite sex just like my list above. But, since i only see the guy profiles I don't know what they are. Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better now. Obviously I really don't have much room to talk considering my profile has some kind of quality (or just me in general) like the movie "the Ring" in that after you look at it, message me and I respond a blackhole suddenly appears and sucks you right off the face of the Earth. It's one of my life's greatest mysteries. Hopefully after you read my blog this won't happen to you.

Have a great weekend!